She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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