my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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