Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
