I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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