I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Randomize
