You smell like stripper and shame
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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