we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
