guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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