I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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