i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
