they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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