theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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