Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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