hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
