You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
