I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
