I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
