I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize