My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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