I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
