he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
NoShamevember. You game?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
