I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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