...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
