I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh god it's open bar.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
