I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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