do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
