I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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