I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
