i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
