Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
