What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
