I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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