Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
