can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
