So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
