The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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