Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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