I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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