Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
