I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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