no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
