Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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