Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
soo... how was my night?
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