Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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