I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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