my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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