Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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