Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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