so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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