no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
