i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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