I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
