dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Randomize
