Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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