i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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