The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
