i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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