this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
